Morning Snooze

Ten minutes later.

*Beep*Beep*Beep*Beep*

What?! It’s morning already? But I was rolling around only a few minutes ago. What’s the time now? No, wait!! That means you’ll have to open your eyes. Maybe half open it. Nah, can’t see anything. *Beep*Beep* By God, that sound is annoying! Make it stop, somebody!! Ahh! Time to get up, I guess. Holiday?? No! Am I feeling uneasiness in any part of my body? Not really, but if I look hard enough I would locate some minor niggle somewhere. Close observation would mean you lose your sleep!! Time to get up, but first things first; find the mobile. Ok, it’s not on my bed. It was right here. Oh! There it is on the floor. Aaaaaand it’s working! Yes. Hmm…no messages from her. Called her last night, alright. *Beep*Beep* Accio! Accio! Damn! Would have worked in a dream. Really should stop these late night calls. Can’t recall a thing about the conversation. What the hell do these couples talk about for hours? All I am able to contribute after the first thirty minutes is Oh! Hmm, Uh-huh and the likes. But she never runs out of topics. One of these days I have to actually listen to what she says. That’s not the point here. Damage control, if there was any. How can I be sure? Check last few messages. But, there are a lot of them. Once I wake up properly. Oh! Whatever happened to that last status update of mine on Facebook? I hope that hot chick I have not spoken to in months has liked it. She’s been liking a lot of my posts lately. Is she sending me a message? Does she want me to reach out? The computer is three yards away and I’ll have to get up. Once I wake up properly, I will. *Beep*Beep* Stop, please, stop!! Focus! She has not messaged you, yet! Send her one. Alright, short and simple. “Good Morning”. No, no, no terms of endearment those flip the girls off after a fight. Smiley, yes! Kiss?? No! Smile, that’ll do. Pop in a ‘dear’, that should do. The smiley might backfire. Hmm, true. “Good Morning Dear”. And now wait. Ok, gotta get up now, office beckons. Not really, few more minutes of sleep won’t do any harm. Skipping breakfast, and combining a few morning rituals would get me office-ready in thirty minutes. *Beep*Beep* What if she messages while I’m asleep? Won’t that make things worse? No more late night half-asleep conversations. And what about the FB hottie, what if she reaches out and I’m not there to respond? What if I oversleep and be late to office?? What the hell did I tell her yesterday night? *Beep*Beep*

Aaaaaargh!!!

Ten Minutes Later: *Beep*Beep*

Huh! So soon?

Relapse

The bright neon lights were flashing against his face.   It seemed as if the signage which was hurling these depressing lights at him had regained some of its allure. He had made himself stay away from these parts for some time now. Today was not about a man succumbing to temptation, like staying away returning was also a choice. He knew the world beyond these doors, a place where colours are brighter, jokes are funnier and reality less harsh. And after the week he’d just had, some of that would be welcome.   In his mind he was perfectly justified in pursuing these pleasures. It had already saved him once. His last heart break came in the middle of a difficult phase in his life; he had tried his luck with various means in an attempt to pull himself together before finally finding solace in his work, which was not very effective. Then it took him like how a seductive mistress would lure a man away from his wife. It felt good, it helped him cope. It's interesting how a woman can make you want to be the best of what you can be and also how she can send you on to the verge of complete self destruction. Weekends merged with weekdays, days merged with nights and soon what started off as a random flirtation had become a full time obsession. He thought of the outrage it had caused among his ‘friends’ when they found out about his problem. “Those pseudo saints on their high horses can jump off a cliff,” he had thought.  Even the most pragmatic men need a little dose of escapism at times, a mini mind vacation for the sake of their sanity.

And the beauty of going on a self destructive phase is that, it rarely feels like one. There were plenty of hints along the way, futile semi hearted interventions by friends, sharp dwindling in the number of calls and messages from people who made plans involving him, increasing number of escalation mails in his office mail box , frequent unpleasant trips to the manager's cabin, just to name a few. But the moment of epiphany came when he found himself being dragged out of the bar by people he did not recognise and then being sent home in an auto. On the morrow, the images were way too blurred to recollect the events, but clear enough to make him feel the lowest he has ever felt in his life. He was thankful for the distance which separated him from his parents, “At least they did not have to see what had become of their son. It’s not your fault guys, I am the stupid one here,” the pillow of lies had kept them comfortable and in the dark over his state. That morning he made a decision to put an end to this pointless meandering.  Couple of fortnights had passed since that day, and he had stayed well clear of these temptations.

By then he had become the victim of his own reputation. The world looked at him differently now. Personal pursuits had spread his close friends all over the globe; for all its advancements, the level of intimacy and togetherness technology could bring about was limited. He knew he had to do it all alone and he did, until this point. “All they wanted was for me to change but, now that I am making a genuine effort they don’t believe me; if anything they missed being able talk about me in the vein as the used to a month ago. I have been reduced to a boring topic,” he often used to think.  “So much so for putting up with all their quirks and twists, guess a second chance is a privilege only they deserve” the thought was amusing.

Few days back he had mustered the courage to ask a girl out. She turned him down and it was not a nice feeling. She’d have put more thought into swatting a mosquito. He was amused and disturbed by the pain some of his office folk took to keep him in the dark over their weekend plans. It was getting increasingly difficult to put on a happy face in front of his parents. Final blow came in the form of his appraisal meeting where he discovered with great disappointment that, there is a major gulf between how he valued himself and how the company valued him. There was no way he could refute the charges made against him either.

While good times wilt away even before one fully appreciates it, bad times tend to snowball its way to unendurable levels.  He knew of many things that could help him but, only one had a proven track record. Although this time he was not very sure about the benefits and the potential eventuality of his actions made him a bit uncertain but, acting on an impulse he decided to push through anyway . He yanked the door open and stepped inside. He recognized these sights, sounds and scent.  

The waiter smiled like a wily coyote stalking its prey.

“Haven’t seen you around much these days ,Sir”

“Been busy, I know you missed my generous tips”   

As he took a step towards the booth he heard a voice from a table near him. “Are you really going undo all that good work?” It was one of his superiors from office.

Last time I saw you here, you were being dragged out by a bunch of guys, he said. I knew them and I was sure they’ll cause you no harm, hence I stayed away.  I had heard about your wayward ways from your manager. While that moment validated his claims, what I saw for the following weeks showed me a guy making an honest attempt to mend his ways.  I can tell a guy who is trying to quit when I see one, I myself have tried it many times.  As you can see, I have failed. And boy, you are at that point where I used to let myself down so often. I don’t know what calamity has hit your life now. And I honestly don’t care if you flush your life down the shitter. Funny thing this liquid, makes you say stuff you normally keep to yourself and it never affects your conscience, just your ability to ignore it. Anyway, you are free to go and pick up where you left off. But please do ask yourself whether it’s worth blowing it all up because of some momentary brain fart, with that he returned to sipping away on his drink.

He was too shaken to reply. He’d been down that rabbit hole before; life had thrown him a lifeline and pulled him back before he lost himself in the dark burrows. And he was about to throw himself into it again. What am I doing? Am I going to ratify everything that has been spoken about me in the last few years?  What happened last week was result of my own doing, and what I am about to do is going to make sure that would happen all over again albeit in a different setting.  Suddenly he felt suffocated inside that room; the smoke which used to pleasure his lungs choked him from within. The music was depressing and the sights grotesque .He made his way out of the building. The wind outside was tugging away at his tie like an insistent spirit, asking him to leave. And when a couple of water pellets found their way to his forehead, he thought to himself “I should get back home now.”

Sour Grapes.. Reloaded

I am sure, that I’ll be able to pick her out even from a crowd of hundreds. There were no cosmetic illusions on her face (or really high quality cosmetics, I used to joke to myself). Her face lingered on my mind a lot longer than any girl I encountered at work. I first spotted her sipping on a cup of coffee at an outdoor café adjacent to my office building. I remember thinking that she did not warrant a second look, a decision made easier by being an hour late to office.  Like a melody that lingers on your mind long after you over hear it from a source unknown, she left a bit of her in me. My recollections of our encounters were disjointed and vague. Flashes of her fair skin, long fingers and nails, kajal around her eyes, casually tied up hair and big round ear rings disrupted my work on numerous occasions. This place is too small, I’ll meet her again; I assured myself as I typed away on the computer. I looked around as I got out from work that day, hoping to get another glimpse of her.  She was not to be seen. Not many girls worked the late night shifts anyway. The search shall begin on the other side of the weekend, I reminded myself. Numerous similar searches were abandoned even before they had even begun,and this one showed every sign of going down the same route.

 Monday arrived without any hangovers from the weekend.  Driving under the influence of Monday Morning Blues I was busy finding a suitable song to set my mood up. I was reminded of her only after I spotted a bunch of people chatting away at the table where she sat the other day. Standard search protocol applies; identify the tag, identify patterns and routines and then real work begins. I got out of office an hour later and went down to the café. She was nowhere to be seen.  I knew I did not have the luxury of time to hang around and wait for her. After few very long minutes, as  I made my journey up to the 8^th floor, I could sense that my determination to find her had reduced considerably.  So be it, I calmed myself down. However, every female who stumbled into my field on vision was treated to an extra few seconds of my attention, that day.

I had completely forgotten about her the next day as I walked past the café. As I waited for the lift door to close, the sound of quickening footsteps made me hit the button to open the closing lift door.  She stood right in front of me, exactly as I had remembered her. I soon realized a few things, Black was a color made for her, the dress she wore was made for her body and the expression on my face was making me look like a dork as a result of which she was already grinning. With much difficulty I pulled myself together as the lift moved. Then it struck me, she did not push the buttons on the panel.  Her office is on my floor?? , I struggled to underplay the emotional surge I was experiencing within me. Thankfully this time I was not looking at her.  As the lift stopped, she stepped out first. She glanced back and smiled at me but, did not stay back to see my reaction.  I watched her walk away and then disappear as she turned the corner. 

Back to the drawing board, this narrows things down beautifully; I thought .My Company shared the floor with two others. Even though I missed checking her tag, spotting her again will be an easy task. My company's proximity to the building elevator and the clear line of sight from the office reception area provided a perfect vantage point to survey every soul stepping in to or out of the floor  Only a matter of time  before another encounter can be staged, I told myself.  As time passed my day just kept on getting worse exponentially. 

Being a developer, I often had to live through phases where it felt like I was running on a tread mill. You put in the effort, tire yourself out physically and intellectually, and ultimately you realize, that you have not moved an inch. I had stayed over for more than an hour even after my official shift had ended .As I finished up I knew I could not take any more human contact for the day. As I swiped out from the office and looked towards the elevator, I recognized the black dress.  I toyed with the idea of starting a conversation but was acutely aware of my less than inspired mental state and the possibility that I might make a mess of it. She’s in your territory, let it pass for now, I reached an agreement with myself. There was something extremely alluring about her. She had an amorous aura around her, which made it very difficult for me not to look at her.  Our building was famous for frequent power outages. During which, the lift would stop working for a few minutes even after the backup power is turned on. I secretly wished for an outage.

 We exchanged smiles as we got into the lift. An incoming message on my mobile suddenly reminded me of a very critical update mail I had not sent. And the day just keeps on getting better; I cursed myself as I made a move for the buttons on the panel and hit the button to halt the lift at the next floor. As I leaned back I noticed that she had moved as well. Her hands were slightly raised, as if she was trying to stop me. I did not look at her face, but I could sense that she was breathing hard. Maybe my panic mode freaked her out. The lift stopped right after one floor, and I got out. I did not even look back.  A loud f-bomb did very little to vent my frustration, when the lights went out as I walked back up to my floor.

My daily chores ensured that I had little to no time to spare on what had now become a quasi cathartic activity. She managed to make her presence felt by her absence during those days.  I looked around every time I got out on a break, but she was nowhere to be seen. She is right here, not need to hurry. You have not seen her with a guy either, it’s fine. Two days later, as I got out of office the building suffered another outage. I decided to take the fire escape and walk down the stairs. As I opened the door to the fire escape, I saw two figures moving in the dark. The power came back on as I walked in.  I saw a well built guy a wearing black shirt and blue jeans, I did not know him but I recognized the girl who was clinging on to him. It felt as if I just landed the lead role in the realization of a curse I used to wish upon my enemies. She was never mine, but I felt as if I lost her. I sensed some kind of sadness deep within me. He pulled away as he spotted me, but the girl was in no mood to.  As I walked down I saw her looking at me over his shoulder. Her eyes were not as beautiful or calm as I had remembered them to be. They were fierce, excited, lustful and even a tad bit scary.  The sight was quite difficult to absorb. I knew I had to leave the scene as soon as possible.

 As I sat inside my car the anticlimactic end to my almost love story managed to get a chuckle off me.  Then something else got my attention. One full week had passed since I met her first, which meant that the days one which she was spotted were two Fridays and a Tuesday.  She had an amorous appeal that lingered on and played tricks with the mind and most importantly there was this cloud of mystery over her existence. So far she was complying with all the characteristics of the "Yakshi" from classic literature. Not only that I saved myself from almost falling into her trap, I was happy now. Just as I was getting comfortable with my fool proof theory, I saw them walking out of the building, hand in hand, Laughing and thoroughly enjoying each other's company.  As I drove past them, the thought of the guy getting his blood sucked dry, on top of an Indian Devil tree by the blood thirsty yakshi made me happy. Serves him right, I thought. As those images filled my head and I whispered under my breath, Yakshi!!

Bad Inspiration

What you think is a deep profound thought ,probably isn't.. The great piece of literature it inspired, probably isn't.  They say anything can inspire, true statement that. But the random cringe worthy line you used on the muddle head you are e flirting with, is bad inspiration.And when she hails the end result as the next big literary achievement since Twilight, you ought to know better. It only means that you are in fact, the tallest dwarf.

When the secondhand of the clock takes ages to move between lines, you know you are having a slow day. When your boss is in no mood to assign you work , you know the day just got slower. Lately,my office has turned into a bit of a sausage fest. No welcome distractions there then. E-shopping !!, Blocked!! . The green dot on g mail chat list had been staring at me for some time now.. I was tip toeing around it all this while.. Might as well engage while I figure out something to do.

Listening to her pseudo philosophy on life  and  flirting were always a guilty pleasure in a "so bad its bloody good" way. Few seconds into the conversation I knew ,that its the flirt who was the prominent alter ,which was in a way what i was hoping for, considering i was not in the mood for wisdom!! . At one point an idea involving bees flowers and nectar was shared. Clearly the intended sexual innuendo went over her head and, to make matter worse she saw the philosophical angle and exclaimed "that's a very sweet thought..." .No its not.. its lame.. you did not even see what i was trying to tell you.. or is it. Double check!! "   "Really??" "Ohh its beautiful..so profound and deep.. just like you!!!" That's it. You deep thinker you. Now sit down and develop this idea into your next literary masterpiece..  

Wafer thin idea developed using big words.. Basically the episode from friends where, Joey in an attempt to sound intelligent used the thesaurus and replaced "He has a big heart" with "he has a huge aortic pump!", only half as funny and much worse. It was done in less than 10 min, and I was proud. Only natural that it is shared with the person who inspired(instigated) it, so I did..

 " Lovely..Its so beautiful." Yes!! I knew it.. Let me share it with my friends form the real world.. Why deny them the privilege of going through my latest creation.  So I decided to shove this down everyone's throat.  It took an intervention by a phone call + coffee break + some much needed human contact ,to make me go through it again. Then the realization dawned upon me.. This was ,to be mildly put a steaming pile of excrement that needs to be erased from human history. But it was too late. I had personally seen to it that few of the most sensible one's in my life already got a glimpse of it. As i sank back into my chair awaiting the bloody backlash "This sounded waaaaaay cooler in my head!!", I thought The damage was already done. 

I had created something which will subject me to never ending ridicule if it ever reached the wrong hands...."Seriously??", "Lets pretend this did not happen" , "Dafuq?!", "What are you smoking???".. This is how the humans reacted to this literary monstrosity and I was reminded of the fact that , even though a man is blessed with a head and a dick. he has only enough blood to run one at a time..As for the creation itself.. here it is                       " Petals that embellish a flower are too tender for any drone's desire.                        Those which unfurl for you reveal a beauty unseen ,                       One which shares with you the sweetness it holds within"

Simply complicated....

“Let’s meet up somewhere “my gal suggested over the phone. Her request took birth from emotional undercurrents which we shared mutually. Its been ages since we did something that remotely resembled actions of a young couple. Work, commitments and geography ensured that. None of those parameters mattered now; both of us had the gift of time and reason. For once the universe decided to go along with Paulo Coelho. My response should have been one of the easiest decisions I’d ever have to make. Well almost….

Following events take place at neurotransmitter time….

YES!! I said to my self, the timing couldn’t be more appropriate. We can finally meet up.

But then it struck me... Where? Trivandrum isn’t the most couple friendly place in the world, quite the contrary actually. In a place where poking ones nose into others affairs is being promoted as a serious social activity even a casual “HI” invites judgmental stares. So no romantic walk through the well maintained Kowdiar road footpath. Not in this heat, not with such frustrated people around. How about the Museum grounds??

Hell NO! The place has built up quiet a reputation lately than even a mother n son seen inside will be subjected to “Moral” interrogation. There is no way in hell, heaven or earth that I was going to take my gal there. As much as I want to be with her no self respecting human will ever take his/her loved one to that place not if that relationship meant something to them.

I could take her to one of those self proclaimed “youth hang-outs” some of which belong to global corporate food chains and the rest are local wannabe food chains. I realized i was moving closer to a solution until I remembered a little piece of disturbing information my gal shared with me some time ago. Careful observation since then confirmed her theory.

These places are a safe haven for perverts who whip out their mobile cams and snap away at every gal that walks in. Doesn’t anyone notice this?? I used to wonder. The answer was even more disturbing. Every one is used to it by now. Call me old fashioned but I don’t want my gal to be a part of another sick slob’s fantasy. So that’s a no go..

What am I left with... a movie? The idea is to meet up not synchronized staring at the moving images on a screen. Reject! How about lunch at one of the restaurants? Now that would have been a solution if it wasn’t for the overcrowded state of almost all restaurants during that time of the day and an incident not so long ago when the guy near me gave his order not from the menu, but by pointing at my plate. The guys running these places are more concerned with finding place for new customers rather than attending to the people who all are already present. How are we supposed to have a ‘us’ time in the middle of such mess… Think!!it mustn’t be that hard.. Think!!You’ve been here your entire life...

Compared to these problems the risk of being spotted by one of our family members is a non issue.

Think you effin muppet!! Then it happened... My head had spoken... “NO!”

I couldn’t believe the word that came out of my mouth. Of all moments you chose this one for reasoning and logic?? Even if I had an explanation why should she listen...? I wasn’t sure who I was angrier at, Trivandrum and its people or my self for over analyzing even the slightest decision ,for failing to realize that life is as much about emotions as its about logic and reasoning.What was I going to say, “ I cant take you out because I love you”?? . There was long silence on the other side as I held myself in contempt. Then she spoke…..

Year that was.....

What a difference a year makes... I can easily recall a period around later part 2008-initial half of 2009 where i had no clue on where i was going with my life.. There was this pointlessness associated with every single day which started with me asking myself the question "now dat you are up.. what next!!" which normally resulted with me feeling what can be best described a "an emotional kick in the nuts"... All that is a not so distant memory now . For all the progress I made on a professional level the reasons that make 2009 a year worth remembering are personal.

I used to start every year expecting to bring about changes in my personality which would make me a "better person". Which only resulted in me going through a 360 degree u turn with my personality. 2009 was no exception only that there was more negativity surrounding me..(one of those times when u start looking frantically for the restart button in your life).After some point even you get sick of your own ways.. The solution was simple, I just had to remember who i was rather that what i had become. The key to getting a second chance in life is to take responsibility for the mess you created in the first attempt.

It might sound weird but you are the solution to almost all of your problems. The solutions lie buried in your past and it takes only some honesty from your part to unearth it.Life presents you with great experiences and great lessons you just have to dig deep and draw your inspiration from them.One of the easiest things in life is to play the victim and convince your self about the pseudo-helplessness on your part.But if you some how convinced yourself to do that then you have issues waaay bigger than mine. Its normal to feel the need for change .But what ultimately decides whether this need materializes into something useful is the underlying emotion and the reason which gave birth to it. But I believe there are two essential qualities which are fundamental to bring about any kind of change .One is your ability to criticize your self honestly and the other being how much you care about/love(not the narcissistic kind) yourself.

So what made 2009 special.. I was happy!! and it feels guuuuuuuuuuud.I realized that once you are happy with who you are everything else just falls into its place.Why should i even change when i am the best in the world at being me.There might be little tweaking every now and then,thats about it .This was just me now add to that the influence of those who make make my life worth living by just being a part of it(You know who you are.). I am truly blessed and I owe it to them to be happy .Life is soo bloody simple n i intend to keep it that way .

So to all those who wished me a happy 2009.. thank you i had a great year!!