Relapse

The bright neon lights were flashing against his face.   It seemed as if the signage which was hurling these depressing lights at him had regained some of its allure. He had made himself stay away from these parts for some time now. Today was not about a man succumbing to temptation, like staying away returning was also a choice. He knew the world beyond these doors, a place where colours are brighter, jokes are funnier and reality less harsh. And after the week he’d just had, some of that would be welcome.   In his mind he was perfectly justified in pursuing these pleasures. It had already saved him once. His last heart break came in the middle of a difficult phase in his life; he had tried his luck with various means in an attempt to pull himself together before finally finding solace in his work, which was not very effective. Then it took him like how a seductive mistress would lure a man away from his wife. It felt good, it helped him cope. It's interesting how a woman can make you want to be the best of what you can be and also how she can send you on to the verge of complete self destruction. Weekends merged with weekdays, days merged with nights and soon what started off as a random flirtation had become a full time obsession. He thought of the outrage it had caused among his ‘friends’ when they found out about his problem. “Those pseudo saints on their high horses can jump off a cliff,” he had thought.  Even the most pragmatic men need a little dose of escapism at times, a mini mind vacation for the sake of their sanity.

And the beauty of going on a self destructive phase is that, it rarely feels like one. There were plenty of hints along the way, futile semi hearted interventions by friends, sharp dwindling in the number of calls and messages from people who made plans involving him, increasing number of escalation mails in his office mail box , frequent unpleasant trips to the manager's cabin, just to name a few. But the moment of epiphany came when he found himself being dragged out of the bar by people he did not recognise and then being sent home in an auto. On the morrow, the images were way too blurred to recollect the events, but clear enough to make him feel the lowest he has ever felt in his life. He was thankful for the distance which separated him from his parents, “At least they did not have to see what had become of their son. It’s not your fault guys, I am the stupid one here,” the pillow of lies had kept them comfortable and in the dark over his state. That morning he made a decision to put an end to this pointless meandering.  Couple of fortnights had passed since that day, and he had stayed well clear of these temptations.

By then he had become the victim of his own reputation. The world looked at him differently now. Personal pursuits had spread his close friends all over the globe; for all its advancements, the level of intimacy and togetherness technology could bring about was limited. He knew he had to do it all alone and he did, until this point. “All they wanted was for me to change but, now that I am making a genuine effort they don’t believe me; if anything they missed being able talk about me in the vein as the used to a month ago. I have been reduced to a boring topic,” he often used to think.  “So much so for putting up with all their quirks and twists, guess a second chance is a privilege only they deserve” the thought was amusing.

Few days back he had mustered the courage to ask a girl out. She turned him down and it was not a nice feeling. She’d have put more thought into swatting a mosquito. He was amused and disturbed by the pain some of his office folk took to keep him in the dark over their weekend plans. It was getting increasingly difficult to put on a happy face in front of his parents. Final blow came in the form of his appraisal meeting where he discovered with great disappointment that, there is a major gulf between how he valued himself and how the company valued him. There was no way he could refute the charges made against him either.

While good times wilt away even before one fully appreciates it, bad times tend to snowball its way to unendurable levels.  He knew of many things that could help him but, only one had a proven track record. Although this time he was not very sure about the benefits and the potential eventuality of his actions made him a bit uncertain but, acting on an impulse he decided to push through anyway . He yanked the door open and stepped inside. He recognized these sights, sounds and scent.  

The waiter smiled like a wily coyote stalking its prey.

“Haven’t seen you around much these days ,Sir”

“Been busy, I know you missed my generous tips”   

As he took a step towards the booth he heard a voice from a table near him. “Are you really going undo all that good work?” It was one of his superiors from office.

Last time I saw you here, you were being dragged out by a bunch of guys, he said. I knew them and I was sure they’ll cause you no harm, hence I stayed away.  I had heard about your wayward ways from your manager. While that moment validated his claims, what I saw for the following weeks showed me a guy making an honest attempt to mend his ways.  I can tell a guy who is trying to quit when I see one, I myself have tried it many times.  As you can see, I have failed. And boy, you are at that point where I used to let myself down so often. I don’t know what calamity has hit your life now. And I honestly don’t care if you flush your life down the shitter. Funny thing this liquid, makes you say stuff you normally keep to yourself and it never affects your conscience, just your ability to ignore it. Anyway, you are free to go and pick up where you left off. But please do ask yourself whether it’s worth blowing it all up because of some momentary brain fart, with that he returned to sipping away on his drink.

He was too shaken to reply. He’d been down that rabbit hole before; life had thrown him a lifeline and pulled him back before he lost himself in the dark burrows. And he was about to throw himself into it again. What am I doing? Am I going to ratify everything that has been spoken about me in the last few years?  What happened last week was result of my own doing, and what I am about to do is going to make sure that would happen all over again albeit in a different setting.  Suddenly he felt suffocated inside that room; the smoke which used to pleasure his lungs choked him from within. The music was depressing and the sights grotesque .He made his way out of the building. The wind outside was tugging away at his tie like an insistent spirit, asking him to leave. And when a couple of water pellets found their way to his forehead, he thought to himself “I should get back home now.”